ORANGE SIDE OF ME

I was moved by a few words by friends...

2009-09-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

I've been through hard times lately....Of which I thought would make me break down and cry..
Losing one I considered best friend and boyfriend, it was not easy... At first, I thought I won't have anyone by my side.. That happened the first time I got my heart broken... But I am really grateful that I have a bunch of friends who had been very supportive and with them I learn that losing a relationship does not mean I'm losing everything....

A friend said:
Don't cry if u you break up with your boyfriend, because you always have love in another form of it..

It's true, I got lots of love instead. I found new great friends who keep me laughing even before I fell asleep... Their smile became THE SUN in my heart and once again, I am ORANGE again....
Within their jokes and laughter, I found the old me. One who had always been so bubbly and free...Thanks to them for allowing me to be myself...

Another friend said:

Love yourself, love yourself and love yourself....stop criticizing yourself, other people had done that.....

This is one more thing that makes me think that the time to mourn is over. I can cry the whole day, whole night, whole week, whole month, or worst the entire semester and at the end of it, what would happen? Will I get my assignment done? Will I passed this semester with flying color? Will things redone?

NO....

so....why sit still and and think about the past? Reminiscing leads to nothing...

With this thing posted..I am now declare that I won't look back...

Can anyone love us like our mother does?

2009-07-21T05:47:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been thinking..If a person is in a relationship which includes the BIG L feelings, they'll say anything..Here's mostly what we can hear from them..

He/she has been good to me..
Nobody will ever love me like he/she does...
He/she take good care of me..
He/she spends a lot on me...
He/she works hard to make me smile..
I will never change him/her for anything...
He/she loves me just like the way I am...
No matter what, he/she won't leave me..
He/she will never change a single thing about me...

And a lot other things...

Just when we think of that, about how romantic,caring, loving our partner can be to us, we forgot that we already have that..ALL of that...ALL of the above....

Did we ever think of how hard our mother had work to raise us up....
She wakes us up in the morning...And before she wakes us up, she'll prepare the things that we are gonna need for the rest of our day..To school, to work(for those who are still staying with their mother),she did not only prepares us..We have sisters and brothers..Whom she had to prepare too.....And she also has our father..she has her own responsibility to him too...

I remember when I started primary school..She will wakes me up in the morning... We have no water heater..So, she has to boil water, prepare it for me, and when she has done that, she'll wake me up...And I still remember she will carry me to the bathroom....She waits for me in front of the bathroom, and she will carry me back to my room, to get me dressed...It continues until I enter standard 4.....That was just me..how about my other siblings? I have 9 siblings...

This thing she do does not ends until that time...I remember when I was in secondary school, I have to use "Puteri Islam" uniform on Wednesday.At that time, I attended the afternoon session class.I told her that i need to wear that uniform. But it was so late that she said she could not find it for me. I was so pissed off. And then I went to "Sekolah Agama" I get back from "Sekolah Agama" at about 11.00 and there she was..SEWING the uniform for me...She had prepare my lunch too....I did not think much about that situation that time..Maybe I was just a kid...But when it all came to me now..I am so thankful to have a mother like her....I'm sure all of you has your own version of touching moment with your mother....

That story does not end there..I am now 22 years old...and she had done more than the number of days, or hours, or seconds i've spent in this world..From the day she brought me into this world...It is uncountable and unconditional...

If we are in a relationship, we can't afford to make much mistakes...Our partner surely CANNOT tolerate with our mistakes..If we yelled at them, they'll say that we do not respect them... If we do something that we like but he/she don't, they'll talk us to not doing it anymore...If we repeat the same mistake over and over again, he/she will leave us with the reason that we never learn...
They will give reasons like...

I am so tired with his/her excuse...
He/she does not respect me as partner...
I don't want to teach him/her on what to do things anymore...
He/she never listen....
I'm giving up on him/her...
He/she is too stubborn...
He/she is so hard to deal with....
I am his/her partner, not baby sitter....
I am so dissappointed with his/her behavior...
He/she is embarrassing me...

A lot more....

See..those words have never comes out of our mother's mouth..
Just think....

How many times did we yelled at our mother?
How many times did we dissappoint her?
How many times have we been a stubborn child?
How many times did we disobey her?
How many times did we embarrased her?
How many times did we go against what she told us to do?

Who'd wake up in the morning to prepare our meal?
Who'd stay awake at night when we are sick?
Who'd do anything to make sure we get the best thing in the world?
Who'd work anything just to make sure that we live in the most comfortable situation?
Who'd make sure we get everything that we need?

THERE'S ONLY A PERSON WHO WOULD...
Sometimes, we value the things that we shouldn't value much.. Sometimes, we look through things that really need to be appreciated...
Sometimes we did not see, appreciate, value, treasure things that has always been there in front of our eyes, been there in our hands....
I always wish for myself..to never fails to love the one that always have THE BIGGEST, THE STRONGEST,THE MOST UNCONDITIONAL love for me....

love you always mak.....

Miss her so much...

2009-07-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

Rasanye cam cuti ni lps tak dpt spend masa bnyk dgn mommy...rindu la....rindu sgt.. that day masa nak balik ukm, pagi2 da nangis2 sbb nnt rindu kat mommy...bleh plak kan?aku pon kuar dari bilik aku, carik mommy tersayang..tgk2 dia tgh tgk concert AF..*ntah da kali keberapan ntah..sbb dia nak tgk Aizat..comel Aizat masa gumuk katanya... then, aku nangis, peluk dia kuat2 sampai dia pon naik pelik..tp dia pon mst paham anak dia kan?

Aku ingt aku penah rasa perasaan ni masa darjah satu....masa tu ari ahad, mlm tu aku tetiba nangis...then mommy pon tanya la..knp nangis tibe2? then dgn teresak2 aku pon btau la.."boleh tak besok tak nak g skolah?" mommy pon pelik dan tanya.."kenapa plak tak nak g skola ni?" "NANTI RINDU KAT MAK..." kata aku... hehe...bukan alasan tak nak ke sekolah ye....that was the purest feeling i ever felt.....masa tu aku rasa skola yg sampai kol 1 tu sgt panjang masanye... tu la perasaan aku....

hurm..nnt mlm2 ckit kang aku type lg la....ada banyak gak benda nak cite...

need space to breath

2009-07-16T07:16:00.001-07:00

Today I learned that I don't have space to express myself.. to express what I feel, to have what I want, to be who I want to be....I'm restricted to do anything...maybe that's why I can't feel really hapy...
Do you ever feel like you are so close to a person that you can't hardly think of what you want clearly?
Do you ever feel that if you are doing things without that person's presence, you are doing a big sin?
Do you ever feel that all this time you were abandoning yourself just to give that person satisfaction that you yourself didn't get?
Well right now I'm suffocating...I just don't what's best for myself anymore because I've let go so many things in my life....What I've planned for myself had just gone within 2 years....I can't even watch my favorite TV series..it's not that I was literally forbid to do everything that I like... it's just that I don't want to hear the sarcastic words from anyone...I just don't like it..

The closest person to us should be the person who'd really be by our side to support us right? Just be there without a single words commenting about the things that we like. Just be there to show love,care,support and even if they are not feeling good about what we want to do for ourselves, they would willingly compromise what they felt to see us happy.

Third Year Bermula......

2009-07-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

Hurm...sem ni..bermula dgn tak berapa baik....sebabnye....mcm2 jadi...that causes my tears to pour like rain...sem ni, handphone hilang, kene beli baru....then, tak dpt join mobility program...*menangis 1 hari satu malam ye.....sedih sgt....nak sngt pegi..ingt kan 3rd year ni nak wat mcm2 utk diri sendiri dan berhenti kejap dpd memikirkan org lain...takpe la......mak kata mungkin ada chance lain....
then, dah terbazir bnyk sngt duit utk rambut..nak buat camne kan, org pompuan, mmg gitu..*tak tau la yg lain, tp aku mmg gitu.. so, skrg kene la, simpan2 ckit duit yg ada tu, utk guna beli baju, dan brg2 keperluan yg lain....ada gak menyesal sebab buat rambut...hehee..tp da "terbuat"... takpe la....

sehari sebelum balik Bangi, aku g shopping2 ckit...beli toiletries, aku sgt terkejut ye...berjaya menghabiskan jumlah duit yg sgt ckit...RM24.60 sahaja....*berjaya sebab kena bebel dgn En.Faiz..

Bile balik UKM plak, lepas check in je, tgk2 dalam blok ada berapa ketul org je...dah la aku ni penakut yang amat....dah tu pulak, stor tak leh bukak...aku diberitahu bahawa stor cuma akan dibuka minggu depan...so, aku pon tros la gelabah...dah la aku ni alergik...takde cadar...takde air minuman, aku pon mula lah menangis mcm org mati anak....aku call En. Faiz setiap 30 minit, menangis mcm org sawan, sampai dia naik fed up, dan dia kata, "Mumy balik la BP balik, dady anta kat Pudu." hehehe....

esoknye, aku pon balik la ke BP....lepak kat umah seminggu, mcm dapat cuti agung seminggu, aku makan, tgk tv, tlg mak aku, gado dgn mak aku, berdebat ckit2 dgn abah aku, dgr atok aku bebel2....dan macam2 lagi la.....tp sangat seronok ye.....mcm da ilang masalah aku sume...

dah lepas tu, aku pon balik la UKM pd 14 July ari tu...
15 July tu, aku pon pegi la kelas pertama...seronok gak jmp kwn2....dah lama tak jmp dan berborak2...tp takde bnyk masa nak catch up story dgn diorg sngt...

sampai UKM pon ada lagi citer tak bestnye......KPM tak masuk lagi... yg ni la paling tak best... dah la masuk2 class first je kene beli buku yg aku pgl "complete set-PRICE + SIZE" *sngt mahal ye, RM60 dan sngt besar plak tu.....

Tak tau la apa lagi benda tak best yg akan jadi lepas2 ni...tp harap2 takde lagi la yg tak best...
aku lupe plak nak mention benda yg plg tak best jd..... aku btau dlm post lain la....

to him...

2009-04-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

i guess this is life...one moment, u sunk in tears...in another, u float on laughter..and right now, i'm breathing with love...cause it's in my air...i just can't stop thinking about the smile, the laughter, the smell, and the feelings i felt when he's around.he might not be the perfect boyfriend in the world, in fact he might not be perfect for me...but this is what i thought..i will adore him for his talent, but i am surely will love him for his weaknesses..because after all, he's just a normal person...a normal person with a lot love.. doesn't matter if he don't listen to the same song..doesn't matter if he don't watch the same movie..doesn't matter if he don't know how to prepare good birthday party, doesn't matter if he don't react when i said about my dreams and feelings...doesn't matter if he don't listen to John Mayer..doesn't matter if he hate Vin Diesel because he's too hot!...doesn't matter if he always sings I Don't Want to Miss A Thing with weird sound...doesn't matter at all. because the only thing that matters is his presence...because just that, means a lot....

why??

2009-04-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

love,
care,
people asks for it,
people search for it,
they keep on looking,
when it's not there,
they promise to do their best to get it,
once it's in their hands,
it would be worthless,
worthless as a cent,
it is as cheap as that,
and when it all gone,
they'll ask,
they'll wonder,
why did this happened?

why giving up is painful?

2009-03-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

haunted house or dream house??

2009-03-29T18:43:00.001-07:00

There is this big house at my hometown. I think it's been there since forever. I don't know why but since I was a kid, I always have this thought that one day I will own this house. I always want to be a lawyer and when I become a lawyer, I will have a lot of money and with it, I will redecorate the house, paint it, and I will make sure it become as beautiful as it was once. One day, people at my hometown will be talking that this is the rich lawyer's house. In fact, this is not just a house. THIS IS A MANSION.
I will grow a beautiful garden with orange flowers in it. I will have roses-orange too..(is there any orange rose?) I will paint it in cream color, just like how it used to look like. I don't want it to look like an ordinary modern house. It will loose it's value then. I don't want to renovate it....Sometimes old things are better left like the way it used. Inside the mansion, i will decorate it like ancient Chinese house.

This thought continues until this very moment. I just can't resist to look at this house and admire it. When I told a few friends and my sister, about my thoughts, they said "This is a one ugly haunted house, lady!" they said if I wish to own this house, I will have to call "tok bomoh" or shaman to chase away the ghosts or spirits inside the house before starts decorating it...

If my dream to become a lawyer come true, i will try to own this house. hehe....

SO PEOPLE...WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IS THIS A HAUNTED HOUSE OR A BEAUTIFUL MANSION?

he keeps me on....

2009-03-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

grattitude for those who close to me…

2009-03-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

this few days i learn…all this while i am a short tempered person…i am volatile.. i am so defensive…i am a very serious person…i look things from an angel and only…i will strike when i’m hurt…i will break when i’m sad…i will leave my world when i’m stucked…and most of the time..people will only see my anger…only see my sadness..i think i am obvious….people can read…but this is just me..just who i am…and now..i want to change…i will be lying if i said for instant…i won’t promise…because people don’t change over a night…me too..

i still want people to read me..especially those who close to me… i still want people to understand me…but i want to understand them too..if i want good things happen to me..i have to make good things happen to others too..if i want to change what people think about me, i have to change mine towards them….i’m not perfect..i’m not so good…i realize it and want to make a different…

to my parents(mak, abah)..u won’t regret a single hope you put on me…you’ll always be in my mind and heart..for your love is unconditional…

to my sisters and brothers(along, kak cah, achom, o’oh, ebot, uda, mahathir)…growing up with u…is one of the thing that i am really grateful for…i learn to dress, to speak, to act, to live my life from you…we are all different, yet we are all the same…for we share the same love from mak and abah…..

to my darling(muhammad faiz hilmi hamdan)…thanks for trusting me for your love is what makes my world ORANGE again…and you makes my heart sings again for you are the music of my heart….i love you DADY…

to my best friend (azie zainal alam, hisyam alewi) thanks for the moment we share..thanks for making us united, thanks for allowing me to reflect my self, i see myself grow when i looked at you….thanks GUYS!!

to my friends(madiha muhammad, amiza muhammed noor,zulaikha jamil, zaida zain)…thanks for accepting me, my life,and my attitude…and i am really thankful that u can make me open my eyes without hurting my feelings..

in the process of learning

2009-03-05T00:23:00.000-08:00

Today, i learned. We have to treat people just as how we want people to treat us. I am aware about that. I want to instill that quality in me but sometimes I overlooked at it and I mistreated people around me. I also learned that if we want to do something, have some heart on it. Don't do it half way, don't take things for granted.

Someone once told me that life is a process of learning. We are a teacher and we are student ourselves. As long as we breath, we will learn. It is depending on us, on what and how we are going to use the knowledge we get. Good or bad, it's up to us.